Comedy of Athens: Stuck in the Deep End

CHARACTERS

Sir Winston Churchill

Aristotle Onassis

Clementine Churchill

Tina Onassis

Manolis

Alexander Onassis

Christina Onassis

Maria Callas

SILENT CHARACTERS

Three crewmen

Battista "Titta" Meninghini

SCENE: The Christina, August 1959. Sir Winston Churchill and his host, Aristotle Onassis, sit in the empty pool on two wicker chairs. Despite the Mediterranean heat, Sir Winston is impeccably dressed as always in suit, tie, polished shoes and hat. He holds his silver knobbed walking stick with grandeur. Ari is dressed just as formally, but with his trademark dark glasses, he seems more casual. Sitting in a sunken swimming pool might seem an odd place to have a conversation, but since suffering two strokes, Sir Winston's mental faculties are not as they were, and he gets a boyish enjoyment of the floor of the pool going up and down as they talk. 

Sir Winston: You know dear chap, as we are going to Smyrna, I was recalling Hannibal. I believe he was from your neck of the woods? 

Ari: Not quite Sir Winston, he is buried in Izmir Province, or "Old Smyrna" as I believe Strabo called it. 

Sir Winston: Damn this fog in my head. He was a terror to the Roman's that man, they were absolutely terrified of him. 

Ari: Then as a Greek, I should raise my glass to him. 

They toast with Dom Perignon as the pool floor raises up

Ari: He was tutored by a Greek. 

Sir Winston: I always fancy that had I been younger, I should have applied myself to the learning of Greek. 

Ari: Well, I do believe that it is never too late. I could teach you some phrases...

Lady Clementine Churchill looks up in alarm from where she has been sitting nearby

Sir Winston *chuckling*: No, dear chap, no. You would have every man in Greece outraged at me!

Ari laughs good naturedly, Lady Churchill settles back down. The pool floor starts to descend

Ari: Sir Winston, the very thought that I would teach you language that would demean your honor…

Sir Winston: I know you too well Ari

They both laugh

Ari: How about a game of cards?

Sir Winston: Indeed. I will be watching your play very closely...

Ari: Nothing escapes your notice

Sir Winston: And do not think I did not see your sleight of hand last time, how on earth you won with that play I do not know!

Ari: I'm just a simple sailor Sir Winston

Sir Winston: You are as cunning as that fellow Odysseus. 

Ari: You honor me by the comparison

Before Sir Winston can reply, there is the sound of a grinding of gears, and the pool floor comes to a shuddering halt. 

Sir Winston: What the devil was that?

Ari: I believe the pool floor mechanism has malfunctioned.

Ari gets up and goes to the side of the pool where a crowd of people have gathered, including a crew member. 

Ari (in Greek to the crew member): Fetch the chief engineer at once! You two! Move the potted palm so that Manolis can get to the box!

The crew member nods and leaves quickly, the other two crew members start moving the heavy potted plant between them.

Tina: Do not worry Sir Winston, we shall rescue you!

Sir Winston: If you cannot get the floor fixed, you could always let the water back in. I am sure there is a flotation device you could attach to me. 

Tina giggles girlishly, before going over to the crew members and asking them to be careful with their backs. She also directs another to bring a dustpan and brush to clear up some soil that was spilled.

Manolis, the Chief Engineer of The Christina comes running up. He is a former Greek navy officer, and proudly wears his stripes on his hat. As Ari and Manolis speak in Greek, Sir Winston can be seen listening intently. 

Ari (in Greek): Fix this would you!? As quick as you can!

Manolis (opening the hatch): Yes Afentiko

(Manolis starts tinkering with the box, and nodding every now and again to a crew member at the controls to see if the floor moves)

Ari: We should have you out of here as soon as possible, Sir Winston

Clementine: Maybe you should not have anything more to drink, dear. Just while you are stranded at the bottom of a swimming pool.  

Ari: How about we continue our discussion on Hannibal and play cards on deck, while we are looking at the Turkish coast? 

Sir Winston: That's a damned sight better than these four walls. 

Ari (in Greek to Manolis): What is happening over there? 

Manolis: I am just trying to find out, Afentiko. 

Ari (in Greek): Well be quick about it, neither Sir Winston nor I want to remain at the bottom of the pool for much longer. 

Manolis: Yes Afentiko

Sir Winston: I have been trapped in worse places you know...

Clementine: Dear...

Sir Winston: Pretoria for example...I stood watching the Blitz...I think I can endure being trapped in a swimming pool. 

Clementine sighs, Tina pats her arm. The floor of the pool starts making some shuddering motions. Everyone looks, but nothing happens. Ari makes a loud angry sigh. 

Ari (in Greek): Manolis! What do those four stripes on your hat signify? That you are an engineer, yes? 

Manolis: Yes, Afentiko

Ari (in Greek): And those stripes on your hat indicate that you are a highly skilled engineer, right?

Manolis: Yes, Afentiko

Ari: If you don't fix this damn floor, then you can go and shove them, and your damn hat with it!

Manolis starts screwing something hurriedly. Churchill is seen to mouth the Greek word "Skoufos". 

Ari (in Greek): Hurry up!

Young Alexander Onassis (eleven) and his sister, Christina (nine) appears and stare at what is going on 

Alexander: Baba, why are you and Sir Winston stuck in the pool? 

Christina: Have you been bad? 

Clementine laughs. 

Ari: Not bad enough to be trapped in a pool. 

Christina: What did you do? Did you break the floor?

Ari: No. The hydraulics have gone. 

Christina: Why?

Ari: I don't know why.

Alexander (looking around): Why don't you climb out using a ladder? There is one there!

Ari: Because Sir Winston cannot climb out.

Christina: We could find a rope.

Alexander (racing off): I'm gonna see what Manolis is doing.

Maria Callas and her husband, Battista "Titta" Menenghini appear. 

Maria: I've been looking for everyone, what on earth is going on? 

Ari: The floor of the pool has had a malfunction, and Sir Winston and I are trapped. 

Maria: Does this mean that I cannot use the pool? I was quite looking forward to a swim this afternoon. 

Tina: The problem is fixable, Maria. Everyone will be able to use the pool shortly. 

Ari (in Greek): If Manolis ever fixes the damn thing! Manolis! Sir Winston and I are growing barnacles down here!

Manolis: I think I have found what the problem is Afentiko...

Ari (in Greek): What? It better not be something trivial!

Manolis screws something in, and nods to the crewman operating the controls, and the floor starts to rise. 

Tina: Hooray! A round of applause for our Chief Engineer please!

Everyone but Maria claps. 

Maria: Good. Now I can swim this evening. I do hope that the pool will not take too long to fill.

Tina smiles wanly, Lady Churchill just stares at Maria. 

Sir Winston: How about you and I repair to the deck old boy? I might just take you up on that game of cards. But I have a question. 

Ari: What is that? 

Sir Winston: That word you kept mentioning, "Skoufos" what does it mean? 

Clementine (aside to Tina): What does it mean? 

Ari: "Hat"

Clementine (aside to Tina): Does it? 

Tina nods. 

Sir Winston: I am puzzled, what in blazes does a hat have to do with fixing the floor? You should have told him to use a damn screwdriver.